Saturday, July 17, 2010

Moving Forward

Finally! Finally something wedding related has come to fruition. Okay, Okay its not like I'm super on top of the planning game, but I do have a list of venues to visit and our save the dates picked out and now I have my wedding dress and veil. It all happened so suddenly. I took my dad to look at a dress that I had been seriously considering as THE dress, but before we went to look at it I decided to pop in to another dress store that had been closed the day that I went to Cullman. I knew the minute I put the dress on that it was meant to be mine unfortunately with a 1200 dollar price tag I quickly saw my dream dress slipping away. Turns out the store was going out of business and the owner was selling her stock 50% off! I know what you are thinking. Buying a dress off the rack is a little iffy (and I shouldn't be so happy about this store closing. I do feel sorry for the owner). It has been tried on by other people and is probably dirty with a makeup smudge here or there. Nope! Not at all. She had only received that dress a month ago it was a brand new style and had been used primarily as a window display. There wasn't a bead out of place. Daddy bought the dress I bought my veil. Done and Done! Well except for the alterations, but lets not nitpick.
It is such a relief to have something go right. It's starting to feel like this wedding is really going to happen. Standing a year down the road from the big day can make it feel more like a fairy tale than an actuality. Logically of course I know that Kris and I will eventually get married, but owning my dress is a tangible truth. The wedding ball is rolling! The dress was kinda my most motivating task and now that I have it I'm ready to elope ;)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

To Be Married...

As with many things definitions alter as you change and move through different phases in your life. It is the same way that a bible verse can speak to you in different ways depending on your current circumstances. At this exact moment being married means never being an ocean apart from the man you love, it means not counting forward seven hours to see if you'll get to talk to him today. It means heat and skin and kisses that aren't blown through a computer screen. It sounds lovely. Today I am struggling not with wedding planning (because lets be honest its not like my procrastinating nature is making much headway in that department)but with separation.
Before I met Kris I used to be semi independent. I know that is hard to believe, but it's the truth. I never felt this overwhelming desire to be with a person at all times. It's a wonderful and terrifying feeling to be drawn so strongly to a person and to want nothing but their continued happiness and company. Kris is my best friend, but he is so much more than that. He is half of who I am. I am my best when I am with him. So you can imagine how upsetting it is to spend the summer as less than my best.
We are not complete strangers to separation, but this is the first time that we have been apart and I didn't have the guarantee that school would resume and Kris and I would continue on as we always have. I won't see him in the caf, I won't visit him at the house, we won't do homework together, I won't take naps during the day just so I can stay up late with him after rehearsals. The summer will end and the separation will continue. I have never known Mobile without Kris and I'm scared. I know that I have to let go of the way things were to make way for a permanent life with him, but that doesn't mean that I'm not devastated over it. I don't know what else to say. I don't need comfort or promises that this last year will pass quickly. I know myself better than that. If summers without Kris feel like years then these next two semester will be as if time is running backwards instead of forward. I know that being apart isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to a couple...but I can't seem to put it into perspective.
I miss Kris.